Imagine a world without bullying, peer pressure, illness, loss, poverty, crime, family breakdowns, or war — an ideal place for children to grow up. Although “the cotton wool” approach to raising children sounds ideal, it may prevent them from being exposed to challenges or learn to cope with tough situations. Change is an everyday part of life, and how children cope with change is an integral part of the adult’s role.
According to Dr Justin Coulson, parenting expert and co-host of Channel 9’s Parental Guidance, resilience is “raising kids who’ll bounce back from adversity and challenging times”. It is not just about surviving these tough times; it’s about achieving positive outcomes from adverse situations. Resilient children are able to continue to thrive and develop, in spite of any setbacks they may face.
It is therefore important that we raise children to cope and deal with the bumps and bruises they will face in everyday life. According to psychotherapist and author Lynn Lyon, ”When they step into a situation, [resilient kids] have a sense they can figure out what they need to do and can handle what is thrown at them with a sense of confidence.” Lyons believes that resilience isn’t a birthright, it is taught, and she strongly encourages parents to equip their children with the skills to handle the unexpected.
How to help children become resilient
According to Kenneth R Ginsburg, a pediatrician specialising in adolescent medicine, we need to help children build the seven crucial C’s - confidence, competence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control - which are needed to bounce back from life’s challenges and navigate the world ahead.
Competence
Children need support to know that the choices they make matter. We need to give children the opportunities to develop the competence to make decisions for themselves and recover if they fall. Parents can help develop competence by:
- Helping children focus on individual strengths
- Focusing any identified mistakes on specific incidents
- Empowering children to make decisions
- Being careful that your desire to protect your child doesn’t mistakenly send a message that you don’t think he or she is competent to handle things
- Recognising the competencies of siblings individually and avoiding comparisons.
Confidence
Notice and praise when they are doing things well. Children need to believe in their own abilities. Parents can help develop self-confidence by:
- Focusing on the best in each child so that he or she can see that, as well
- Clearly expressing the best qualities, such as fairness, integrity, persistence, and kindness
- Recognising when he or she has done well
- Praising honestly about specific achievements; not diffusing praise that may lack authenticity
- Not pushing the child to take on more than he or she can realistically handle.
Connection
Children need to be able to do what’s right, whether somebody is watching or not. Parents can help develop connection by:
- Building a sense of physical safety and emotional security within your home
- Allowing the expression of all emotions, so that kids will feel comfortable reaching out during difficult times
- Addressing conflict openly in the family to resolve problems
- Creating a common area where the family can share time (not necessarily TV time)
- Fostering healthy relationships that will reinforce positive messages.
Character
Children need support to know that they can try different things in life, because they are encouraged unconditionally. Parents can help develop character by:
- Demonstrating how behaviours affect others
- Helping your child recognise himself or herself as a caring person
- Demonstrating the importance of community
- Encouraging the development of spirituality
- Avoiding racist or hateful statements or stereotypes.
Contribution
When children hear the “thank you’s” and acknowledgment for their contributions, both inside and outside the family, it will increase their willingness to take actions and make choices that improve the world around them. Children need to realise that the world is a better place because they are in it. Parents can help develop their contribution skills by:
- Communicating to children that many people in the world do not have what they need
- Stressing the importance of serving others by modeling generosity
- Creating opportunities for each child to contribute in some specific way.
Coping
Children need learning mechanisms and/or new social skills to manage their stress. When children have a wide range of coping skills, they are able to cope more effectively and are better equipped to deal with life’s challenges or unexpected changes. Parents can help develop their coping skills by:
- Modeling positive coping strategies on a consistent basis
- Guiding your child to develop positive and effective coping strategies
- Realising that telling him or her to stop the negative behaviour will not be effective
- Understanding that many risky behaviours are attempts to alleviate the stress and pain in kids’ daily lives
- Not condemning your child for negative behaviours and, potentially, increasing his or her sense of shame.
Control
Allow children the opportunity to ask for help, without any judgement. We need to support children so that they control the outcomes of their decisions and actions. Parents can guide how to control by:
- Helping your child to understand that life’s events are not purely random and that most things that happen are the result of another individual’s choices and actions
- Learning that discipline is about teaching, not punishing or controlling; using discipline to help your child to understand that his actions produce certain consequences.
Summary
Dr. Ginsburg summarises what we know for sure about the development of resilience in kids by the following:
- Children need to know that there is an adult in their life who believes in them and loves them unconditionally.
- Kids will live “up” or “down” to our expectations.
There is no simple answer to guarantee resilience in every situation. But we can challenge ourselves to help our children develop the ability to negotiate their own challenges and to be more resilient, more capable, and happier.
Overview of Stress
- There will always be stress in our lives.
- Stress is an important tool that can aid in our survival.
- Our body’s reaction to stress is mediated through a complex interplay of sensory input—sights and sounds—as well as the brain and nervous system, hormones, and the body’s cells and organs.
- Emotions play an important role in how we experience stress because the brain is the conductor of this system. The way we think about stress and what we choose to do about it can affect the impact of a stressful event.
